It’s amazing how expectations can tear a person apart.
I’ve always wanted to be a singer, and study in Julliard. I want to be a theater actress, and be a Broadway star, too. So, I end up wanting to be a musical theater student. But how the hell am I going to be one, if my voice teacher doesn’t like the way I perform in class? She told me that singing is thinking. A singer does not see her instrument, so one must think that the voice should be this way, or that. “It’s all in the mind”, she said. And this morning, she told me, “You also have to enjoy it. You think too much, Cloie. Parang pasan mo ang daigdig”. (It’s like you’re carrying the world… ugh crappy translation) It’s hard not to think too much, especially if you’re undecided. I really don’t know what I want to be. I’m only a high school sophomore, and my mom says that it’s too early to know what I really want to be. But what makes things really complicated are the endless expectations from the people around me. From my parents, to my aunts and uncles, to my teachers, to my classmates, to my mentors, to my relatives, to people who know me; to everyone, in short.
I’ve been a consistent honor student from the first grade until freshman year. Then my report card from the first quarter in second year came, and I was short on two A-s. My streak was broken, and I was devastated. Of course, my parents were not so happy about it, and I feel like my dad was surely not pleased. I know I did not do my best, but I know I did well. I didn’t do as well as everyone expected because I was all over Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, books and random other stuff. I did because I wanted to escape from the reality of a student’s life. Studying is hard (so I don’t), but I get good grades. Thank God for giving me the gift of learning things quickly! (Yes, listening in class does the trick) I knew that I can get a perfect score instead of -1, but I didn’t do something (good) to make the best possible.
Alas, I let my parents down. I did not meet their expectations. Again, the dreadful word!
Everyone expects me to do good; to be as good or better than them. I’m sick of these expectations. I’m not a crowd pleaser, but why am I greatly affected by these expectations? Maybe because these things would actually affect my future.
Mom says that my brain would get wasted if I won’t be a doctor. She said that I’d be a successful engineer. And the most hateful thing that she said: there’s no money in teaching and in the arts. I mean, seriously? How did my teachers feed their families? They expect me to be successful in the field I am academically good at: math and science. I’m good at them (at some point), but sorry, I’m not interested. I love history, literature and the arts, and I want my job to be related to any of these. I’m good at Social Studies, English, FIlipino and Music, so why are they focusing on me being a doctor when I don’t like Biology, and me being an engineer when I know Math isn’t my best subject? I know that my parents want the best for me, but don’t they get the fact that what makes me happy might be the best for me? I know I’m being a bit (or a lot) selfish, but I’d be really happy if I get to do what I want. I’d be able to serve God and His people without forcing myself if I do it by doing my job; doing the job that I love. Well, I still have time to think.
I’m not in the perfect state of mind right now. And I guess this is the result of too much expectations: breakdown. (cries)