How to be whole

People say that I’m too young to worry about things. They say that I’m young, so make the most out of everything. They tell me to have fun and to be carefree. I say, not really. How can I stay positive always when I don’t feel like my day is complete?

When I didn’t have the chance to talk to the person that I really want to talk to on that day, I feel like I’m the most miserable person on Earth. One day last week, I wasn’t able to share the past day’s stories to my friend Patricia, and I felt bad. Today, I wasn’t able to vent and share to someone I always vent and share to, and now, I feel like my heart is going to sink because I prepared for it (hah I have a script). I never got to tell my cousins (who went back to Sydney today) that I was so pissed at them last week, and now, I’m pissed at myself.

When I don’t talk, I write, but I don’t get the responses that I need when I write. This blog is my venue to just babble, but I get nothing in return, except for the feeling that I told someone what I feel. No replies, whatsoever. I don’t even know if someone reads this so I don’t know if I’m talking to someone; maybe I’m just talking to myself. I don’t know…

A teenager seeks attention. I only want people to listen to me. That would make me whole. That would make me worry less and be carefree. That’s the only way I know.

Sometimes, people just don’t know how to listen…

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Why it sucks to be me.

When you’re 15, you have to sleep when the clock strikes 9pm.
When you’re still up at 10pm, your mom’s gonna get mad at you and she’s gonna push you, then you’re gonna be close to tears, but your mother doesn’t do anything to your 13-year old brother.
When you’re a minor, you can’t sit around the people of legal age when they drink, even if you have no intentions of drinking.
When you’re young, they make you go into the room when they talk about sex-related stuff (even when you’re well-aware of it) when you’re so busy doing your thing.
When you’re a student, you’re expected to memorize two speeches and deliver them on the same week.
When you’re the older sister, you’re expected to give everything to your little brother who is physically bigger than you.
When you’re the smart one, you have to give your homework to your irresponsible classmate who’s a bastard as well. (not the literal meaning of bastard, okay?)
When you’re the oldest in the group, you’re expected to solve everyone’s problem, then if you have a problem, you get nothing.
When you’re different from your friends, you’re gonna be left by them.
When you’re not white, slim, “pretty” and pimple-free, guys won’t talk to you, so you end up liking girls.
When you’re having a crush on a girl, the world thinks that you’re a really awful person, and it’s you against the world.
When you’re the one who usually says “shh” in class, you’re a loser and your classmates won’t like you.
When you’re the leader, your group mates would entirely depend on you.
When you’re the leader, then your group fails, all the blame is on you.
When you’re the victim, you get blamed because you didn’t know that it was coming.
When you’re near the crime scene, you get the blame.
When you’re not rich, you can’t get your phone repaired.
When you’re quiet, they want you to speak out.
When you’re speaking out, they want to shut your mouth.

When you’re sad, they tell you to let it out; they tell you to cry if you want to.
When you’re crying, they’d ask why, then you tell them, then they’d tell you that you’re crying for a very shallow reason and that you should stop being a baby.
When you’re a singer, they tell you to sing.
When you’re considering to sing for a living, they tell you to use your common sense.
When you’re a girl, you can’t do a lot of stuff because according to them, you can’t do it.
When you’re having mood swings, everyone would think that you’re a bitch.
When you’re a teenager, no one would ever understand you.

MY LIFE IS FULL OF BULLSHIT, AND IT REALLY SUCKS TO BE ME.

I’m a weirdo because I love Math

Math is not my best subject, when it comes to quizzes, long tests and exams. And yet, I love Math.

My history with my one true love:
When I was four, I wanted to be a Math teacher. When I was seven, I still wanted to teach Math. When I was 10, I wanted to teach Math, until my first failed Math quiz came. When I was 12, I kinda wanted to teach Math. When I was 14, I fell out of love with Math. Now that I’m 15 (going on 16…), I fell in love with Math again. Two days ago, I realized that I really want to teach Math. But why would I teach Math if I get failing scores in Math quizzes? =)) My answer: I am inspired.

Inspired by what? Hmmm… (To those who know my story, no it’s not THAT reason. ‘di yun joke okay.) I got a grade of A- in the second quarter, and I asked Ms. Alie, my Math teacher who turns out to be a koala because she said that she is a koala, how I got that grade. She said that I did great in class. It was an ultimate “WOOOHOOOO!” moment for me. But that was in the 2nd quarter; I got a B- in the 3rd quarter, and I was close to crying (Ms. Alie even looked like she was about to cry when my mom and I went to her. I asked why she looked like that, and she said that I looked like I was about to cry so yeah haha). I had low scores on my quizzes and long tests, but I got high grades in my seat works and assignments (boohoo why do seat works and home works have lower percentages than long tests and quizzes? I could have gotten a B). I got 83, she said. One point from a B; one point from 2nd honors. I was crushed, but Ms. Alie said “Kaya pa yan, Cloie (sabay tapik sa forearm).” So encouragement from your teacher does lift up your spirit. I worked harder, and now, I’m passing quizzes again! Woohoo!

I really want to teach Math, but I’m worried about my grades… I mean, what my card looks like when I apply for college. Then, I remembered one time in Math class, my classmate asked Ms. Alie, “Miss, why do you like Math?” Miss answered right away: I don’t like Math. I laughed so hard. I thought I knew the reason behind that, but I did not know the whole story (well, Ms. Alie majored in Chemistry in college, and I still don’t know how she ended up teaching Math). I knew her story, and I had hope (I can’t tell the story because I technically promised to keep quiet about it, but man I was so damn inspired!). She doesn’t like Math, because she loves it, I think. =))

Maybe I won’t teach Math, but I want to work with Math… Hmmm maybe I’ll be a chemical engineer, since I love Math and I like chemistry (haaa parang Ms. Alie lang ah). I’m weird, because I love Math. Students dread this subject, but I want more of it. I don’t know…

This is random and not connected (I think) to the main post: Miss Alie, ikaw yata ang favorite teacher ko this year. 😀