You’re Gonna Miss Me

This is my cover of You’re Gonna Miss Me¬†by Lulu and the Lampshades.

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This 2013, I wonder: will I ever miss my old self? Will the linked song be my song to myself?

~

I have decided to change. Sometimes, I could be such an introvert…and an extrovert, depends on my mood. I am so bipolar and weird and clingy and awkward and emotional and suicidal. This 2013, I want to change. It’s not for others though. I don’t want to get hurt like the way I was hurt in the last few months of the previous year. I don’t want drama, even if it’s inevitable.

I started off by not minding people (well, “the good ‘not minding people’ “, if you know what I mean). I’m taking the words of my English teacher: I should’t let other people be in charge of my temper. I shouldn’t let other people affect me so much, and I should think of myself as well. I’m also practicing the “being the leader does not mean that I should shoulder everything” attitude. Wow, things are easier that way, even if four people in the 12-member group aren’t doing anything.

I have also decided to let go of things that are not worth keeping and that are not working. I want to focus on what I have…the things that I have a grip on. As for those things that are not quite working but are impossible to let go of, maybe I’ll fix those, but not now.

I want to build relationships this year… Good relationships that will last. I want to build a real relationship with myself. And the only key to that door is to not be my old, unhappy self. I don’t want to miss my old self; I want to move on.

THAT WAS SO SABAW BECAUSE IT’S TUESDAY.

Everything Was Pitch Perfect

Friday, January 11th… I have to read Wuthering Heights, work on my Social Studies homework and study for the Science quiz on Monday…and here I am, downloading the Pitch Perfect soundtrack. For some odd reason, many people in my school watched Pitch Perfect during the Christmas break, and it is only today that I watched it. What a loser, and it was shown in October 2012.

Pitch Perfect was a funny movie, but it was funnier when we were watching it in the crowded computer lab. But of course, the funniest of all things was eating pizza in the kalachuchi walk with my best friend and our gang…GANG =)) Today was a day, and it ended great… Well, I think I deserved that happy ending. English was… English was… ENGLISH WAS FREAKIN’ STRESSFUL. The Literary Criticism paper is making me think a lot. Ilustrado is a marvelous yet complicated book. So complicated to the point that I don’t know what to focus on anymore. I was so sure on which topic to tackle last year. Then, things happened. Everything was pitch perfect.

Hah. Just The Way You Are/Just A Dream by The Barden Bellas is on repeat… It’s so beautiful. I want to sing this, but my friends aren’t really singers… Meh why am I not in the Glee Club… *wishing to sing this…and it ends there…you make the assumptions* It’s so pitch perfect. :(((

It feels good to write, even if I have nothing to write about except for Pitch perfect, English class and my pigtail-braids today… Yes, I wore pigtail-braids today. Everyone called me Pocahontas, Sacagawea and Birtney Spears (Baby One More Time music video reference) because of my weird hairstyle. Hehehe then I decided to undo my hairdo and let my hair do what it does best: fall back. Nyeh. My braids weren’t pitch perfect, but yeah I felt that I looked cute…but weird.

Writing about random things makes my world better. Now, everything’s pitch perfect. ūüôā

 

 

Anna Kendrick, Brittany Snow, James Caviezel, Guy Pearce and Henry Cavill = ‚ô•

Forgive Like Jacqui Saburido…?

01-07-2013

Who is Jacqui Saburido, and why is she mentioned in this post’s title? Well, Google it. Watch the video when she was in Oprah… And the video going back to her Oprah episode during the Oprah anniversary special. Get a box of Kleenex as well.

We learned about her in Christian Life class today. Our lesson is all about the sacrament of¬†reconciliation, and we talked about forgiveness today. I cried in class when I was asked if I find it hard to forgive. I explained that the “difficulty” of forgiving is very subjective; everything depends on the situation and the people. I stated that it is easy to forgive someone who stole a pencil from you, but it is very difficult (and for me, almost impossible) to forgive someone that stole something from within you that can never be returned. My¬†very insensitive joked around and said (in Tagalog) “Cloie, it hurts to lose a phone” and “What’s stolen? Virginity?” After that last question, I stopped talking for about 10-15 seconds, stared the chalk board, wanting to answer back “what would you do if you almost lost your virginity because of your asshole cousin?” I started crying and choking in my own tears, and the class started to shut up and stare at me. I didn’t mind the attention. I just wanted them to realize what they’ve unwittingly done to me.

When I reiterated that it is really hard to forgive when something from within you is stolen because some stupid person didn’t think and that same stupid person didn’t even asked for forgiveness from , I heard nothing but my real, broken self talking. I said that what hurts the most is that when the act was done, I didn’t know that he was sinning against me and he acted as if everything was normal, then I realize a few years later that he did this wrong thing to me. I thought of myself as the dirtiest and the most graceless, the most sinful girl in the world.¬†I said that ever since that, I found it really hard to trust people. Really hard. The bell rung, the Angelus played over the public address system, and I stood there crying when my friend hugged me tight, and I hugged her as if I was hugging my mother. After the prayer, I proceeded to fix the projector. My (male) teacher asked me if I was okay, and if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. He asked me if I ever told someone about it, and he asked if I trusted that person that I’ve talked about it. I answered yes to both questions. He told me that if I wanted to share to him, he is just there to listen. We said good bye, and I left.

I appreciate Sir Dhoi’s concern, I really do. In fact, I like him a lot as my teacher. He’s one of the few open-minded Christian Life teachers in my school. I could see that he waned to help in some way, but I had to shut my door to him this time. I was never comfortable in sharing about what happened to me, especially to men (because a boy did this to me). It’s just that after I watched Jacqui hug the mother of that person who¬†ruined¬†her life, I found it hard to breathe. I was hit (hard) by that video, and I had to let things out; the only way to let it out is to say it in class. Those¬†unnecessary comments of my two classmates were so insensitive. I would never say such comments, no matter if I meant it literally or as a joke.¬†That made me lose some respect and trust in those people, but I let the rest of the day pass as if nothing happened. I still talked to them, but I will never forget what they said. They are forgiven, I guess, but not forgotten. Maybe that’s the hard part in¬†reconciliation: forgetting. I couldn’t forget all the pain I’ve been through, no matter how hard I try. I’ve been battling this for almost seven years, and I’ve only made little progress.

I never sought for help, even if I believed that no man is an island. There are some problems in my life that only I can solve, but I guess this is not one of them. I guess I should be like Jacqui. Yeah, I should be like her.