Badass: A Tale of a Teen Who Wants to Go Out To See The World

Original plan for April 19, 2013 as of April 15, 2013: go to SM Marikina at 3pm to hang out with Sofia, Renee, Kelvin and Jerez.

Revised plan for April 19, 2013 as of April 18, 2013 at 5pm: meet up with Rayahnna and Erika at Ateneo at 12pm, go to SM Marikina with Kelvin and Jerez at 3pm (but Jerez will leave at 5pm).

Revised plan for April 19, 2013 as of April 18, 2013 at 9pm: meet up with Rayahnna and Erika at Ateneo at 12pm. Mom will pick me up at Gonzaga Hall at 2:30 since Rayahnna has practice at 2:30.

What happened to the plan for April 19, 2013: Erika and I got to Ateneo at 12:30 and Rayahnna had practice at 2pm and Erika had to go to the high school. Mom told me to wait for her in Ateneo but I suggested that I’ll be fetched at the nearby Regis Center. I also told her that I have someone to go with me. I told my friends that I’ll go there via a tricycle. I went to Regis on foot all alone under the blazing heat of the sun…without an umbrella. I bought Magnum in Ateneo, a book, an overpriced pen (it had a panda and a big K on it!) and frozen yogurt…a total of 640 pesos (and yay I have 360 pesos left). I got fetched at 3:30 and mom and I headed straight to the city hall to do some business tax whatevers.

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What an obedient child. What a good friend. Well, I do want to explore the world! How can I go to college in UP if I don’t know how to commute going there? Or practically anywhere not in Malabon? Because apparently, it’s only in Malabon wherein I exercise my freedom. No wonder my brother loves staying there.

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You know what they say about the children of overprotective parents – that those kids tend to be rebels? Well, the one who said that definitely did not lie. I’m starting to be a rebel, and my brother has been quite a rebel too. When I was young, I never thought that I’d be a rebel. I never imagined myself “breaking rules”. I always thought that I will just obey whatever mommy and daddy say. The thing is, I grew up and I studied in my school (and I thank my school so much for teaching me to believe in what I want to believe in and that I should say something).

I’m not the “I won’t study and all I wanna do is to drink, smoke, party, take drugs and have sex with everyone” rebel. I’m the “I will go out of the premises of *insert name of place* and I will walk to *insert name of place* under the blazing heat of the sun without telling mom how I got to my destination” rebel. I’m the “maybe I’ll just go online the whole day and not study” kind of rebel. I’m the “we share the same religion but not the same beliefs about our religion and I don’t think that your reasoning is logical” rebel. I’m not the “typical badass rebel”.

Most of the “big time rebels” (I mean the rebels that are not like me…I mean the party rebels) have parents that really don’t have time for them. Most rebels like me have parents who are so overprotective of their children. Like, come on. I’m graduating from high school next year and I’m still not allowed to go out of school alone. What will happen to me in college?

Why am I like this? Honestly, I feel like my freedom is suppressed by my parents. I am 16 and I have a mind of my own. I’m not a little girl anymore (well, I’ve always been a big girl…as in literally big). I know I’m still a minor and maybe some of you might think that I should be reacting like this when I’m already 18. Well, I don’t know anymore! Whenever we cross the street as a family, my parents would always want me and my brother in between them. Come on, we’re teenagers who know how to cross the street. We’re not that dumb. That’s why we’re studying in such good schools.

I get it, my parents want the best for me – but is it really the best for me? Not going out and seeing the world? High school is a preparation for college, but not just academically. The way I see it, the whole time that a student is in high school, s/he must start to learn about life…one must learn some street smarts because one needs that in college. Daig ang matalino ng magaling. Now, one cannot learn street smarts in the classroom. Well, maybe yes for a few, but one must experience it.

I know that they want me and my brother to be safe always. I know that they don’t want us to learn things the hard way (like learning to be careful with our things especially in public because we got robbed or whatever). I know that they want me to save it for the man I will marry. I know that they don’t want us to spend so much money on things that just make us plain happy (I mean, for just that reason). I know that we are their children, but we’re growing up now. There will come a time when my brother and I have to go out to the world. I hope my parents realize that soon. I’m turning 17 in less that two months for goodness’ sake! I’m not a baby anymore! I want to go out and have fun with my friends! I want to explore the metro! I want to experience how to commute! Even just to commute! I want to see the lives of modern-day Filipinos by experiencing it, and not by just seeing it from the car window or by reading some stories. My parents theirselves were kids who knew loads of street smarts back in their teenage years, especially my mom.

Yes my mom does allow me to go out with friends in malls and to go to events, but that is not the world that I want to explore. I also hate being late or not coming to gimmicks because of transportation problems. I hate not knowing stuff. I want to learn stuff on my own! Because if I don’t learn alone, I may not learn the things that I need to know.

I want to go out, but every time I attempt to “escape”, my conscience kills me. I know that mom and dad would scold me so much for walking from Ateneo to Regis Center even if I did not set foot on the road called Katipunan. I know the rules, but some are just illogical to me. I want to break those rules, but I don’t want to break my parents’ hearts and trust. But hey, I have a heart too – a heart that wants to LEARN. Sometimes, I already think that the rules that they set tell me that I am not capable of going out to the world. Sometimes, I think that they don’t trust me enough. With my dark past, I think I know how to be careful, especially with boys (that’s why I had to break his heart because I can’t go out with him alone on the 19th). I know that I shouldn’t make eye contact with strangers when out and that I shouldn’t bring a large amount of money when going out. I know that when someone points a gun or a knife at me, I should do everything to stay alive. I have a freaking brain, so why can’t my parents let me use my brain outside academics?

I don’t want to break their hearts and their trust in me, but they have to teach me and trust me very soon. I just wish that they would stop being so overprotective. I know that they care, but this is already hindering my growth as a normal person in the outside world. How can I be ready for the cruel world of they don’t let me see it?

Well That Was (So) Unexpected – Part Three

April 5 to 10, 2013 – I spent those six days in Malabon with my paternal cousins. I can’t recall, but I think I wrote about them in this blog (hello this is my 140th post so how could I remember). If I didn’t, well I don’t go along with them very well. There’s this distance between us…but maybe that distance would start to grow smaller after my stay.

One night, I don’t know what hit me, but I told two cousins about what’s going on with my love life. All of a sudden, it was as if the world stopped revolving. One stopped texting. The other removed his earphones. Just to listen to my story. They were teasing me (or plainly expressing their excitement for me) while I was story-telling. I felt good. Finally, they were actually interested in what I have to say.

As I went along with my story in part one in this blog series, one of them said that he was just getting surprised every time I say something. They even said “PBB TEENS” aloud whenever “appropriate”. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I was still feeling good.

At first, I was so glad – overjoyed to be exact. Finally, I could relate to them! Finally, they talked to me…and it lasted for a while. But, that time when one of them said that he was shocked…I don’t know. Well, the way I said it, it was really shocking. I mean, I told them everything in one sitting. But it was like…it seems that they think that it’s unlikely of me to have a love life at my age and with the personality that they think I have. Maybe that’s the case: they don’t know me.

As the days passed, more of my cousins knew. All who knew teased me to death. With that I was already okay with. At least none of the others were so shocked. At least I’m improving in interacting with them. At least.

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One thing that unites us all in talking is the topic of all thongs scary. One night, we were telling each other scary stories and experiences IN A LEGIT HAUNTED HOUSE (aka their house). All of us were scared and all of us had stories to tell. I even made a mistake in mentioning his name in one of my stories. Teasing came but oh well. More stories, and some games. I had fun in my stay there…for the first time in a long time.

What’s so unexpected? I didn’t expect that I would try to get close to them again. Ever since I felt like I was a stranger to them, I wanted to keep my distance. But since I met him, I thought that maybe this could be the topic that would make me close the gap between us, since (I think) most of my cousins have boy/girlfriends. In fairness, the topic did help me.

All that I want for now is for them to know me as me, and for me to know each and everyone of them. I want to know their ideals, goals, dreams… I want to know them. And I bet they want to know me to. After all, we are cousins. 🙂

Notebook – Well That Was (So) Unexpected – Part Two

April 3, 2013 – I love writing. I love writing essays, stories (as long as it’s about me and I’m just altering my life), and letters. I also love reading letters to me. Thus, people like giving me bookmarks, notepads, pens and my ultimate favorite gifts – notebooks and planners. So far, I have countless notebooks… Half of them have my handwriting on them (and I haven’t filled even just one of them), half have none. I have too many notebooks, so I have to find some use for them. I can’t use them for school though… They’re too cute and too small for school use. I just love writing!

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Whenever I feel down, I listen to sad songs and I read sad stories to cheer me up. Are you weirded out? Well, I do those to remind myself that I’m not sad enough to write a sad (love) song or a sad (love) story – that there are other people who have bigger problems than mine. I’ve been doing that since I had my first heart break – not getting into the Junior Glee Club back in the third grade. Seven school years later, I still do that, then summer break came. Well, letters really make me happy, whether it is I who wrote it or not.

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Days after classes officially ended, some members of my org (and me, of course) still went back to school for a week for the preparations for the thanksgiving mass of the seniors. Some of us also took the chance to spend time with our teachers, especially to those teachers who won’t be around in our final year in high school. I wanted to remember those third year teachers who are not going to see me graduate – they’re really dear to me. So I got a notebook, and I decided that it would be the notebook that would contain my teachers’ notes for me. Unfortunately, out of the four close third year teachers that are leaving, only two of them were able to sign. But it’s okay for me. Those two notes/letters are enough for me to keep on smiling whenever I’m down.

It’s a really great feeling once you’ve been told (in any way…whether verbal or written) that someone appreciates you and your efforts. It’s like the best feeling in the world, next to being loved and being happy. Well, being appreciated is being loved in my perspective, so yeah… Making people happy is hard (but sometimes it’s so easy), yet it is so rewarding. You never know that one smile would make some stranger’s whole day (especially when you’re a celebrity and you smile at a fan girl). My teachers make me very happy, and not just because they taught me well and that they really recorded the grades that I deserve. They make me happy because I know that they appreciate me, even if I give less than what I can really give. And it’s really nice to know that they appreciate my efforts as well.

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Miss Angel called me the best student audio-visual assistant (SAVA) because even if the teacher is still far from the classroom, I would go get the laptop and their other things from them. Other teachers told me the same thing, so maybe it is true. 😀 *moving on because that’s not the whole point of this* Aside from that, she really appreciated it (or at least she smiled) whenever I would tell her about the sad faces I get in my failed quizzes, seat works and activities in Chemistry and my low quiz and form scores in Geometry (which is by the way her subject…I love algebra). She also said that I am a persevering and hard-working student. She said that I could go places and that a hard worker is better than someone who is naturally good at something. She even wrote the Pythagorean Theorem in the note…she said that I’ll never know when I’ll need that formula. Since then, I’ve always wondered where I’ll use that formula. 😛 Lesson learned: MATH IS EVERYWHERE! But thank you, Miss Angel, for believing in me even if I sucked at your subject and that I don’t recite (because I really don’t recite).

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Oh Miss Alie, your name rhymes with tally… (© Iris Micah Eleria)

I gave Miss Alie the notebook on a Friday, then I told her to give it to Miss Angel and that I expect the notebook to be back on Wednesday or Thursday (so that I could pass it on to other teachers). I got my notebook back two weeks later during the distribution of report cards. Too bad the other teachers weren’t able to write on it… I do know what they want to tell me. Oh well, I did give Miss Alie a hard time in writing to me. :)))

I’ve written to her many times, expressing my deepest and sincerest gratitude towards her and all of her efforts. It’s actually the first time that she’s written to me, and she made me cry. She was the only person who told me that I was brave enough to introduce myself to her. She’s the first person to call me brave. Even I don’t think that I’m brave…only strong. As I read more, I learned more about her (so now we’re getting even) and I understood some of her actions in school. I was touched by her words, knowing that she appreciates my random stories a lot, and that she sees me as her friend (..and I thought out of the two of us, I was the weird one because I see her as an older sister yet I’m still her student in her eyes). *insert a bucket full of happy tears*

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Both letters made me emotional…as in emotional. They made me laugh and cry and the same time! I really feel the love that my teachers have for me whenever they just don’t keep our student-teacher relationships and conversations while in class and about class. I really like it when my teachers get to know more about me even if I have to stalk them online just to get to know them (though I rarely do that…I swear I rarely do that). You know, para naman may makuwento sila sa future students nila ‘pag naging sikat na journalist/scientist/professor/psychologist/award-winning singer/actress/kungwaring dancer na ako. Of course, when I get famous for the right reasons. 😛

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So now, whenever I feel sad, I would just get that notebook with the words “note book” (note book daw e) on the cover and read its contents. Its pages were not filled, but the notebook was filled with so much love. Maybe it’s my favorite notebook now…I mean, at least my favorite notebook in my high school life.

There’s a statement on the cover of the notebook under an image of a girl, and I think that this notebook was meant for the purpose that I decided on. The grammar isn’t perfect, but grammar doesn’t have to be perfect. As long as the sense is there, everything is fine. The statement goes “it’s joy to know you, wishing the nicest things always for you, not only today, but all the year through because you are really a joy to know”.

The notebook was really for its purpose, ‘e? 😀

WAIT UP! Part Three is still coming!

Gusto Ko Ring Sumaya Sa Piling Ng Iba (pagpasensiyahan na, Pinoy ako)

Itutuloy ko na sana ang pagsusulat ng part two ng blog post na nauna dito. Kaya lang, may nangyari. Lagi na lang may nangyayari. At araw-araw pa. Ang pinakamasaklap, iba-iba ang mga nangyayari pero iisa lang ang sinasabi ng mga pangyayari sa ‘kin. Sige naman na o. Tantanan ninyo ako, kahit isang araw lang. Nagmamakaawa na ako. Gulong-gulo na ako. Isang araw ang hinihiling ko.

…o dapat ba talagang gulohin ang utak ko at dapat araw-arawin ‘to? LORD, TULONG!

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“Oi magkwento ka” – ‘yan ang tweet sa akin ng isang kaibigan na matagal ko nang hindi nakakausap. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nangyari ‘yon, pero nangyari na. Ano nga ba yung titutukoy niya? Basahin mo nalang yung naunang blog post dito.

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Dati, ako ang nagbibigay ng mga “love/relationship advice” sa mga kaibigan ko. Ngayon, ako na ang nakakatanggap nito, gustuhin ko man o hindi. Minsan, gusto ko lang na may makinig sa akin. Hindi ko naman hinihingi yung opinyon ng nakikinig. Pero sige lang. Tanggap lang ako nang tanggap. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasasaktan tuwing nangyayari ito. Siguro dahil kinokonsensiya nila ako. Siguro dahil pakiramdam ko, iniisip nila na wala akong alam sa ginagawa ko. Siguro dahil iniisip ko na ayaw nila akong sumaya. Siguro dahil iniisip ko na ang lahat ng iniisip nila ay dapat kong ipasa ang UPCAT at kailangan kong makapagtapos ng high school with honors. Alam kong concerned sila, pero hindi nila alam kung bakit ako ganito.

O sige, first time kong magkagusto sa lalaki nang totoo. First time ko ring malaman na crush din ako ng crush ko. First time kong mahalikan sa pisngi ng lalaking hindi ko kamag-anak at voluntary pa ang paghalik. First time akong sinayaw. First time kong makarinig ng “I love you” mula sa lalaki na hindi ko pinsan (kasi miski tatay at kapatid ko, hindi ako sinasabihan). First time kong makakilala ng lalaking hindi ko kamag-anak na hindi ako binastos (e kahit kamag-anak ko, binabastos ako). First time kong makakilala ng lalaki na mukhang sincere sa mga pinagsasabi niya sa ‘kin. First time akong sinabihan na maganda at cute ako nang seryosong-seryoso (walang kasamang emoticon) ng hindi babae at hindi kamag-anak. Ako si Girl First Time okay.

Alam kong concerned sila sa akin at gusto nilang maayos ang pag-aaral ko. Pero sa totoo lang, sawang-sawa na ako sa ang tangi kong kaligayahan ay ang pag-aaral ko. Buong buhay ko, ‘yon lang ang alam kong gawin – kumuha ng certificate sa stage kapag honors assembly. Siyempre gusto ko yun, pero hindi lang naman yun yung buhay ko. May puso rin akong tumitibok at nagsasabi ng “I love you”. Kaya ko namang pagsabayin yung utak at puso ko diba? Diyan nga ako magaling e – sa multitasking. Akalain mo, kaya kong mahalin at kasuklaman ang isang tao nang sabay! Tsaka, ni minsan, hindi ko inisip na hadlang ang love life sa pag-aaral, basta wala kang mapapabayaan. Dumadating lang yung problema kapag may nakilala kang bago sa school tapos iiwanan mo yung mahal mo para dun sa bago mong nakilala at kapag bumabagsak ka na sa Math. Matalino ako at alam ko na priority ko ang pag-aaral ko pero sabi nila “know your priorities”. O kitang-kita, plural ‘yon.

Gusto kong sumaya, okay? Sige salamat sa concern at sa mga “payo”, pero minsan kailangan munang pag-aralan ang sitwasyon bago magsalita.

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Pag-ibig. Cheesy term. Sige love na lang. Mas tunog natural. Love love love. Dumadating ka talaga sa mga oras na hindi mo ine-expect.