OH MY LIFE

When I enrolled in my high school for the last time yesterday, I was thrilled! I’m a continuing student in the advanced English class, and I accept the offer to be a new student in the advanced Physics class. I wasn’t supposed to take it, but it’s there in front of me…why not take it? After enrolling, I went up to the guidance office to get my UPCAT forms. Staring at the set of forms for the first time, I thought that this is the moment. I’m a few (but big) steps away from my dream school.

My mom and I didn’t go home right away since she had a long chat with her co-parents. I was idle for more than 30 minutes, yet I did not fill up the UPCAT form that needs to be submitted to the Records Office. Thinking of it today, I should have submitted it. All of the information to be inputted in the form didn’t need thinking, just copying from the sample forms. Still, I did not submit. I got home and I decided not to touch the set of forms until the evening. Before heading to review class, I told myself that I would fill up the forms when I get home.

I got home with a very heavy heart. I got 49/90 in my Reading Comprehension exam (English and Filipino combined) in review class. The day before, I got 63/92 in the English exam. I always knew that I was a Science kid, but when I started high school, a letter to my parents stated that I’m gifted in English (and my scientist self went into a deep sleep). Yesterday, I was so disheartened. Then I resorted that I am still POEE material because of my essays and papers, not my reading skills, and maybe not even my grammar (despite my Language grades back in grade school). I did not touch the set of forms. I resorted to talking to friends and reading past retreat letters and personal notes to cheer me up. Today, I got high scores in all activities in our Filipino review class. I am happy, but not as happy as when we ended our Science review (I was one of the top scorers in all tests).

Before I went home today, I stopped by my favorite bookstore/supplies store to buy my mom a sign pen. I bought myself a nice pen to use when I fill up all my college application forms (and a new book about Chinoys… SUPPORT PHILIPPINE LITERATURE! I swear they are worth buying!). When I got home, I got my set of UPCAT forms. I read all the forms, got my new pen, uncapped it and stared at the green form. My emotions started to play with me, and I felt that my eyes were ready to become faucets of tears. I recapped my pen, set aside my forms, turned on the faucet of tears, waited until the flood subsided and proceeded to write this blog post.

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Segway: I cannot even write this blog post without stopping. Everyone keeps on peering over the computer monitor! I NEED A LAPTOP! I cannot wait to graduate from high school so I can get my well-deserved laptop!

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I know that I want to take up Journalism and Psychology in UP Diliman, and Communications and Social Anthropology (minor in psychology) in UP Baguio. I don’t even know why I postponed filling up the forms. I guess it’s the emotional rush; it’s the pressure from everyone. I couldn’t take it. It’s fear too, I guess. I don’t want to fail in getting to my dream course/school. Well for UP, as long as I get into Diliman, I’m fine. I can always go for Chemistry, Secondary Education, or even English Studies, Filipino, History and Linguistics! It’s the pressure… I know people depend on me.

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In the middle of my writing,  I was getting better. I even thought of saving this post as a draft with no intentions of publishing it (which happens often…explaining the time gap between this post and the post before this). But then, the people whom I live with pissed me off once more.

I am in the middle of my life crisis as a senior high school student, and then they bug me because of the video camera. They constantly peer over the computer monitor, and it’s as  if dad’s trying to look out if Kelvin and I are chatting. I swear, I keep on looking behind me to see if anyone’s reading what I’m writing. Then they continue to bug me! I HATE THIS! CAN’T THEY TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE DAMN VIDEO CAMERA?!?

Being dependable is good; it means that you’re responsible. But hey, it’s (a bit) burdensome to be dependable. In these burdensome times, I regret learning so much things, whether they are academic or not. These people who depend on me too much surely think that my confidence boosts up every time they ask me to do things for them. But no. Sometimes, they drag me down. I know I should live for others, but hey, who’s the one living the life? I have a life. I don’t want to live to impress others.

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Maybe this is the reason why I just stared at the forms and teared up in my attempt to fill up my UPCAT forms. I don’t want to impress my parents by choosing the course that they want me to take, but it’s as if I have to. I told them that I wanted to be a journalist or psychologist, but half of me still wants to be a teacher. I know they’d be so disappointed at me if I enter UST as a secondary education student even if I passed UP for journalism (UST was my childhood dream school, and until now, I still want to be a Thomasian).

…or is it because I don’t want to make a mistake in choosing my course. I don’t want to waste my parents’ money and especially my time in something that I will eventually not enjoy as a profession. I know I can shift courses, but still. I want to be sure when I start college.

Oh well, I still have until June 5 to think of this. ‘Pag hindi pa rin kaya, may June 14 pa.

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Tomorrow is our UP tour (we paid for it as part of the review package). Maybe the buildings there would inspire me to fill up my form as Cloie, the girl who wants her future to be destined by herself.

Remember This Cloie: You Are Not Useless

Having seen the word “useless” in my brother’s Facebook message to me broke me ultimately. I was just texting my mom and quoting what my brother wanted to ask my mom in my text, and that caused my late reply. Then he called me useless. I sarcastically asked him to repeat what he said, all caps. He sent it again, and I lost myself.

I was supposed to help my froshie buddy with his Filipino homework (lol a high school senior is helping a college freshman with homework) but I completely lost my mood. Good thing he went away for a while, and I took my chance to cry. I told him to text me when he’s back.

I left the computer, went to my room and cried a pail. I cannot believe what my own brother called me for such a shallow reason. You may say that I’m shallow too. Of course you will say such things, but you don’t know our story.

My froshie mate texted me, telling me that my brother wanted to know mom’s answer. I told him what happened, and that I even broke my eyeglasses (which I was able to fix). He told me that I am not useless and that he will always be there for me no matter what. I felt better…and it’s not because he’s Kelvin. 😛

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I am not useless and I know that very well. What hurts is that out of all people who could have said that, it was my brother who did.

My brother never treated me as his older sister. It’s like I’m only a cousin and all our cousins that are in the same age group as us are his biological siblings. I feel hurt whenever I see him happy with them and I’m in a corner, looking at them with jealousy. See, I’m the outcast in my paternal family. Well, that’s not the case. The thing is, I only want respect.

Regardless of our Filipino tradition, I deserve to be respected. Well, who doesn’t deserve it? Respect. People tend to forget about this. I believe that respect is a building block of relationships…a very important building block. Without it, things will go ugly. Nowadays, it’s as if people care little about respect. From prayer time in school, to forgetting to use “po” and “opo”, to not minding word choice, to being rude, to forgetting who you’re talking to.

For me, it’s totally fine with me if you hate me. Just remember that like you, I am a person who deserves to be respected. Remember: a good person getting angry is not a pleasing sight. I may be Christian, but I think karma exists.

What Even

I don’t want to rant, but I just want to exercise my freedom here. Yes, I am a bit hard to please when it comes to family. But sometimes, I do have a reason to be “hard to get”. And I just hope that next time, mom won’t use the “anak libre ‘to” and “anak mahiya ka naman” reasoning on me. So what if it’s free? We’re just staying in the house anyway.

Fine, I’m going to see my uncle…and that’s the only thing that I’m looking forward to in this Baguio trip. Bleh. What’s the point in reaching Baguio on Tuesday night then going home on Thursday afternoon?

Plus, I DON’T HAVE INTERNET CONNECTION THERE.