December 21, 2012 – end of the world. Well, at least that’s where the Mayan calendar ended. End of the world… I don’t believe in that shiz. But looking back, especially now that I’m sad again, it’s like I do what the world to end.
It was the 27th of November in the year 2012. I was cutting an illustration board for my Math extra credit task. Cutting illustration board with a cutter was so hard and painful due to pressure. At 8:17 pm, I wondered if cutting skin, flesh and an artery would be easier than cutting illustration board. I was crying my heart out. I had no one to turn to. I felt like giving up on everything. I wanted to end things. Then I placed the cold blade against my warm skin. I was about to cut in, when my phone rang: it was a text. Hoping it was my best friend, I dropped the blade (and it hit my foot…that hurt), got my phone and read the message. It was her. I told her that I was starting to doubt God’s existence.
Thanks to signal problems (Globe, please get your shit together), I got her reply a little late. I was really thinking that God doesn’t love me anymore. All the pain from my whole life came on me and I really wanted to end things without the pain. Good thing I didn’t pick up the blade anymore. I saw a little blood coming out of my foot due to that small cut caused by me dropping the cutter, and it scared me. I hate seeing blood coming out of me. I hate the pain. I got a piece of tissue to stop the little bleeding, and I got her reply. I texted her back, saying that all I ever experienced was sadness and that I can’t take it anymore. She told me she was crying too, and that she can’t imagine her life without me. She told me that I am her best friend, even if I don’t consider her mine (then I told her that I felt the same way…yeah it took us three years to tell that to each other). We were crying the whole night, then I switched to a different mode: I joked about flooding in my room because I kept on crying. She did the same. We had a good laugh, then we hugged the next day.
For me, committing suicide is the gravest sin (but I’d rather take my own life than to take another’s). I always thought of those who attempt to/commit suicide were the most pessimistic pessimists in the world. Those people wouldn’t let other people help them in their problems. They didn’t let God help them. They are irrational. They are desperate. They are selfish. They deserve to go to hell. I said those things not knowing that I would be one of them.
Have you ever wondered what’s in the mind of a ineffably sensitive, suicidal 16 year old girl? I’ll tell you.
- I thought that my family would support me in whatever I do…why?
- I thought that my friends would just be a text away…why won’t you reply when I need you?
- I thought that school would make me a better person…why am I suffering?
- I thought that there is no “I” in “TEAM”…how did “TEAM” become “FORCED TO BE INDEPENDENT”?
- I thought that you would always be there for me…where are you now?
- I thought that you love me…did you mean it?
- I thought we had something…what happened?
- I thought that we should be open-minded…so why are you so close-minded?
- I thought that everyone has flaws…why rub mine in even if yours are worse?
- I thought that You love me and You’ve known me since I was a little zygote…how come I don’t feel it?
- I think the world would be a better place if I didn’t exist.
Those were the things that were burning my head and my heart on November 27. I was so depressed and stressed that day. All those issues I have just bombarded me with so much pain and hatred. I hated my family. I hated my relatives. I hated my friends. I hated everyone in school. I hated the people around me. I hated that sad face on that balancing chemical equations quiz (I almost burned it). I hated the world. I hated my heart. I hated my mind. I hated myself. I hated God. I hated everything that I know that existed, except for that cutter that would help me kill me.
What stopped me from getting my own life? My best friend. Period. Not even the thought of my crush saved me. In fact, my crush was a reason for my attempt to kill myself, along with many other reasons…like broken relationships or some sorts.
I told my family and friends after a few days. All of them told me to not kill myself and that they’re always around when I need them.
After what I’ve been through, it’s hard to believe those words. It’s hard to trust anyone. It’s hard to give second chances. It’s hard; everything is hard, even myself. I have become a stone.
I was numb for some while, but I got back to my usual broken self, thinking if I should move on and mend my broken heart. Then a dream made me smile. Later that day, the person in my dream that made me smile kind of broke me and I don’t know why. I wanted to get the cutter again, but my brother texted: mom needed to go to the hospital. I gave up on my dreams of ending my own world. I went to the hospital and got freaked out by my surroundings. I kept my eyes open for spirits with unfinished business. Then I though to myself: when I die, I want to haunt people, but they would get scared of me. Maybe I’ll haunt them while I’m living instead.
December 21, 2012 – 10:15 pm. Nothing has happened. I was just trying to figure out my prom dress a few moment ago. I have decided not to move on from some things that I have to move on from. I thought that I need to give people second chances. But this time, I won’t trust that much. I don’t want my world to end.