Attention

I grew up fine, but then I started to become an attention seeker.

For some reason, I’ve become an attention seeker. I guess it’s brought up by jealousy. See, I can be a jealous girlfriend to everybody, even to myself. I easily get jealous of my school mates, to be really honest. I may seem like the perfect student in high school, but I was really envious of my classmates who seemed to have better and grander lives.

I would always wish to be a little more fortunate in every aspect of my life. I don’t know if this is brought by my depression, but I would always wish for more Twitter/Instagram followers, more money in my savings account, my own ATM/credit card, more terms in my word bank, more time for TV shows, more tasteful music in my iTunes/Spotify library, more faith, more knowledge of myself, more confidence. I would always want more. I’m never contented.

So now, I feel like I need more attention, and more friends too. I feel like I’m being ignored by the world. It’s like I’m invisible! I hate being invisible.

I guess it’s all a part of my condition. I just hope that I don’t stay like this forever.

Who here is a writer?

I believed that I write so well, until last week.

Two Fridays ago, our professor in English 10 left us with the assignment of writing about what we did last summer in 500 words. And so I wrote this simple essay, plainly explaining what I did last summer.

Then last Wednesday, I suddenly had this feeling that what I wrote was a mess. I didn’t get to make my essay a work of art. It just simply answered the question. Well, I had too much to say in 500 words! Still, I felt so bad, especially that the whole world knows that I’m majoring in journalism. What a shame.

Then, this announcement followed: we are to read all of our classmates’ essays. That’s right, the whole class gets to read my crappy essay. I got the link to the files of the essays, and boy oh boy, why am I considering myself a writer?

I would receive my graded high school essays with high marks. I know I can express my thoughts well in writing. But how come I feel so insecure about my writing now? Why now that I’ve finally decided to give my A game? Why???

It seems that my confidence plummeted down to rock bottom. When will I be able to pick myself up again?

OH MY LIFE

When I enrolled in my high school for the last time yesterday, I was thrilled! I’m a continuing student in the advanced English class, and I accept the offer to be a new student in the advanced Physics class. I wasn’t supposed to take it, but it’s there in front of me…why not take it? After enrolling, I went up to the guidance office to get my UPCAT forms. Staring at the set of forms for the first time, I thought that this is the moment. I’m a few (but big) steps away from my dream school.

My mom and I didn’t go home right away since she had a long chat with her co-parents. I was idle for more than 30 minutes, yet I did not fill up the UPCAT form that needs to be submitted to the Records Office. Thinking of it today, I should have submitted it. All of the information to be inputted in the form didn’t need thinking, just copying from the sample forms. Still, I did not submit. I got home and I decided not to touch the set of forms until the evening. Before heading to review class, I told myself that I would fill up the forms when I get home.

I got home with a very heavy heart. I got 49/90 in my Reading Comprehension exam (English and Filipino combined) in review class. The day before, I got 63/92 in the English exam. I always knew that I was a Science kid, but when I started high school, a letter to my parents stated that I’m gifted in English (and my scientist self went into a deep sleep). Yesterday, I was so disheartened. Then I resorted that I am still POEE material because of my essays and papers, not my reading skills, and maybe not even my grammar (despite my Language grades back in grade school). I did not touch the set of forms. I resorted to talking to friends and reading past retreat letters and personal notes to cheer me up. Today, I got high scores in all activities in our Filipino review class. I am happy, but not as happy as when we ended our Science review (I was one of the top scorers in all tests).

Before I went home today, I stopped by my favorite bookstore/supplies store to buy my mom a sign pen. I bought myself a nice pen to use when I fill up all my college application forms (and a new book about Chinoys… SUPPORT PHILIPPINE LITERATURE! I swear they are worth buying!). When I got home, I got my set of UPCAT forms. I read all the forms, got my new pen, uncapped it and stared at the green form. My emotions started to play with me, and I felt that my eyes were ready to become faucets of tears. I recapped my pen, set aside my forms, turned on the faucet of tears, waited until the flood subsided and proceeded to write this blog post.

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Segway: I cannot even write this blog post without stopping. Everyone keeps on peering over the computer monitor! I NEED A LAPTOP! I cannot wait to graduate from high school so I can get my well-deserved laptop!

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I know that I want to take up Journalism and Psychology in UP Diliman, and Communications and Social Anthropology (minor in psychology) in UP Baguio. I don’t even know why I postponed filling up the forms. I guess it’s the emotional rush; it’s the pressure from everyone. I couldn’t take it. It’s fear too, I guess. I don’t want to fail in getting to my dream course/school. Well for UP, as long as I get into Diliman, I’m fine. I can always go for Chemistry, Secondary Education, or even English Studies, Filipino, History and Linguistics! It’s the pressure… I know people depend on me.

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In the middle of my writing,  I was getting better. I even thought of saving this post as a draft with no intentions of publishing it (which happens often…explaining the time gap between this post and the post before this). But then, the people whom I live with pissed me off once more.

I am in the middle of my life crisis as a senior high school student, and then they bug me because of the video camera. They constantly peer over the computer monitor, and it’s as  if dad’s trying to look out if Kelvin and I are chatting. I swear, I keep on looking behind me to see if anyone’s reading what I’m writing. Then they continue to bug me! I HATE THIS! CAN’T THEY TRY TO FIGURE OUT THE DAMN VIDEO CAMERA?!?

Being dependable is good; it means that you’re responsible. But hey, it’s (a bit) burdensome to be dependable. In these burdensome times, I regret learning so much things, whether they are academic or not. These people who depend on me too much surely think that my confidence boosts up every time they ask me to do things for them. But no. Sometimes, they drag me down. I know I should live for others, but hey, who’s the one living the life? I have a life. I don’t want to live to impress others.

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Maybe this is the reason why I just stared at the forms and teared up in my attempt to fill up my UPCAT forms. I don’t want to impress my parents by choosing the course that they want me to take, but it’s as if I have to. I told them that I wanted to be a journalist or psychologist, but half of me still wants to be a teacher. I know they’d be so disappointed at me if I enter UST as a secondary education student even if I passed UP for journalism (UST was my childhood dream school, and until now, I still want to be a Thomasian).

…or is it because I don’t want to make a mistake in choosing my course. I don’t want to waste my parents’ money and especially my time in something that I will eventually not enjoy as a profession. I know I can shift courses, but still. I want to be sure when I start college.

Oh well, I still have until June 5 to think of this. ‘Pag hindi pa rin kaya, may June 14 pa.

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Tomorrow is our UP tour (we paid for it as part of the review package). Maybe the buildings there would inspire me to fill up my form as Cloie, the girl who wants her future to be destined by herself.