Domino – The Sad Side Of My Bipolar II Story

You wouldn’t know if a person is depressed or sensitive at one look. You have to talk to that person to find out. So be careful with what you say and how you say it. You may ruin someone’s life with it.

This has been the longest time that I’ve been depressed – 10 days straight.

It all started on November 17, a Monday. I went on a trip to my nutritionist. I haven’t been a good girl when it comes to my food, but I try my best to control myself. But my best is never good enough. The lady in her 60s encircled all the excess food I ate in my food diary, and told me how much of a bad girl I am in front of my mom. My aura changed in an instant, my eyes started to water with salty tears. I tried to smile when she joked around, hiding the pain in my chest.

I went home offended. I wish I had the chance to tell her how hard I tried to fight my cravings, how hard I tried to controlled my depression. But no, I was mum. I was hit hard. It was like I was stoned.

I lost my spirit over 30 minutes in that grumpy old woman’s office. It was like I lost myself. I lost my self-control, my determination, my will. I sulked in my room and I was pretty grumpy too. I thought too badly of myself.

But hey, even if I was a bad girl, she should have held back her words and lowered her voice. She’s supposed to encourage people to reach their goal. Well, I may be sensitive, but man, no one fully knows what a person is going through! (Lesson learned: be kind to one another.)

And so I was pretty much jaded for two days. I was so jaded to the point when I did not attend classes. I burned paper after not burning personal stuff for a year. I missed out on an important deadline on the 19th, and I explained to my professor what has been going on. I felt a little bit lighter, and so I was quite happy again.

But the agony of waiting for the professor’s reply to my email drained my energy and joy. I lost my willpower to work on my paper, not to mention my interest in my topic as well. As I attended class the next meeting, I was told to submit an output on the same day. I wasn’t done. I almost cried. Fighting the tears in my eyes, I listened to the discussion on logical fallacies. After class, she told me that I can submit today. I was overjoyed, and I couldn’t thanked her enough.

But alas, I got drained again. I was so depressed because I couldn’t organize my thoughts. I lost my interest in my topic. I felt lifeless. And so I was frustrated yesterday because I couldn’t write. I slept and slept. I missed out on my appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. I had food delivered just to be happy. But I never smiled.

At last, I finished the paper, because I had to. Maybe I got drained because I knew that I would get a grade of 3, 4 or 5. But hey, at least I’m finished with the paper. And so, I wrote this to celebrate.

Why did I write this?
This is to remind people to be nice and kind to others. This is to remind people that there are many of us who have this medical condition (and many more mental health issues). This is to remind people that not everything we say is okay. This is to remind people that sometimes, we have to be a little more sensitive.

I wish to be a little bit happier starting tomorrow, despite the fact that I have a lot on my shoulders.

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Attention

I grew up fine, but then I started to become an attention seeker.

For some reason, I’ve become an attention seeker. I guess it’s brought up by jealousy. See, I can be a jealous girlfriend to everybody, even to myself. I easily get jealous of my school mates, to be really honest. I may seem like the perfect student in high school, but I was really envious of my classmates who seemed to have better and grander lives.

I would always wish to be a little more fortunate in every aspect of my life. I don’t know if this is brought by my depression, but I would always wish for more Twitter/Instagram followers, more money in my savings account, my own ATM/credit card, more terms in my word bank, more time for TV shows, more tasteful music in my iTunes/Spotify library, more faith, more knowledge of myself, more confidence. I would always want more. I’m never contented.

So now, I feel like I need more attention, and more friends too. I feel like I’m being ignored by the world. It’s like I’m invisible! I hate being invisible.

I guess it’s all a part of my condition. I just hope that I don’t stay like this forever.

Kaboom: Ang Pagsabog ng Atomic Bomb na Hugis Siomai

Kasalanan ko bang ubod ng pangit ang signal ng Globe dito? Kasalanan ko bang magalit sa ‘yo kasi nagalit ka sa akin dahil sa “pagkukulang” kong replyan yung text mong HINDI KO NATANGGAP? Kasalanan ko ba kung wala akong maisagot sa iyo kasi nag-iisip pa ako? Kasalanan ko bang AKO YUNG NAGING SEATMATE MO SA ENGLISH? Kasalanan ko bang nairita ako noong tinatanong mo ako noong Chem kasi ABSENT AKO KAHAPON?!? At kasalanan ko bang mairita sa ‘yo kasi lagi mo nalang ikinukuwento sa akin yung tungkol sa pagkakaroon ng boyfriend ng Science teacher natin? CONFIRMED NA BA GURL?!? AT KAILANGAN BA TALAGANG ITANONG SA AKIN KUNG ANONG ORAS UUWI SI (insert teacher’s name here) AT KUNG MAY BOYFRIEND SIYA AT KUNG BAKIT SIYA ABSENT?!? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER KASI “CLOSE” KAMI?!? Kasalanan ko bang naiirita ako sa ‘yo at gustong-gusto na kitang ipaanod sa Ilog Pasig na tulad ng pag-anod ng bangkay ni Don Rafael Ibarra sa Noli Me Tangere? KASALANAN KO BA?

Umiiyak nanaman ako habang gumagawa ng iskrip para sa presentasyon namin sa Filipino sa Martes. Ito yung isa sa mga rare na pagkakataon na gusto kong kumuha ng patalim at maglaslas. Alam kong masama iyon, kaya lang parang wala namang pagkakataon na masaya ako. Parang robot na katulong, encyclopedia, dictionary, history book, textbook sa Science, Google at (ang hindi kapani-paniwalang) Wikipedia lang naman ang tingin ng lahat ng tao sa ‘kin. Bakit pa ba ako nabubuhay? Hindi naman ako tanga. Hindi rin ako manhid. Iniisip ko rin yung kapakanan ng iba, pero bakit ayaw ninyo akong tantanan?

Sige na nga. Ako na yung mali. Ako na yung walang pakialam. Ako na yung ignorante. Ako na yung bobo. Ako na yung tanga. Ako na yung masama. Ako na yung iritable. Ako na yung nakakairita. Ako na yung makasalanan. Ako na yung makasarili. Ako na yung mababaw. Ako nalang lahat ng masamang bagay sa mundong ito.

Hindi ako ang nag-ayos ng seat plan. Hindi ko rin ginustong maging seatmate mo. Hindi ko rin piniling maging anak mo. Kaya kung puwede lang, piliin mo nalang yung mga salita mo at ang paraan ng pagsasalita mo. Hindi ako bato.