Changing

They say that the only permanent thing in this world is change. Seasons change, things change, people change. It’s obvious that it happens, but we sometimes have a hard time accepting that reality, especially when it comes to people.

People change and develop throughout their whole lifetime, but there are some things that don’t change within a person. It may be their personality, their traits, their habits, their tendencies, their way of reacting to phenomena. We often wish that people’s personality, traits, and attitude towards us would never change; if they would change, they’d change for the better. But what do we mean in changing for the better: better for us, or better for them?

We naturally, forcefully, and intentionally change in almost every aspect in life. There are so many factors and stimuli for change. For example, when we age, our hair turns white; our voice deepens, our skin sags, and our memory fails us. When time passes by, some get impatient and some get more patient, others get more irritable and the rest get less irritable, we become selfish or selfless. The changes in us all depend on the chemicals in our body, our feelings and emotions, and other external factors that really affect us.

While we accept the physical changes in people, we often want to stay the same when it comes to the values and attitude of people. Why is that so?

For me, we tend to wish that people “won’t change” because we like/love the people we like/love for who they are. If any aspect of what we like/love about one person changes for the worse, we might end up hating that person. We wish to have a stable relationship with people, despite our differences. It’s already hard to accept people for their whole personhood; what more if that person would change after accepting him/her?

That’s the challenge for us today: to accept change. We have to accept that everything is changing, whether it’s for the better or for the worse. We have to accept that everything is temporary, that even people’s treatment towards us can be something that can’t be the same as it was before. After all, we are all just human – full of imperfections.

I, myself, have a hard time accepting the changes in people, especially if I’m so used to certain people treating me in a certain way. It’s hard to adjust to other people while adjusting to myself, especially that I am bipolar. I would just wish that people would understand how much I need people to be there for me all the time. People with changing attitudes towards me frustrate me a lot, and it makes me depressed and unable to perform daily tasks like going to school.

I would sometimes wish that people wouldn’t change, but I know that it’s impossible for that to happen. So, I try to accept things and people as they are – changing.

Wide Awake and Torn

My family and I went to a wake tonight. It was my aunt’s helper’s mother who died. But I’m not going to talk about death here. I’m going to talk about something else…rather someone…me. See, my aunt’s helper has a nephew who happens to be a UP freshman like me. We chatted about school a little bit, and then I ended up telling him and his mother about my plans of transferring to another school. Of course they felt like I’m wasting my opportunity. Who wouldn’t feel that way anyway? And so I told them this: I have a problem.

As I lay awake in bed tonight, I am kept wondering about how my life would have been if I didn’t have that problem.I am kept wondering about how my life would have been if I didn’t file for a Leave of Absence. I am kept wondering what my life would be if my mind is still focused on being an alumna of the nation’s National and State University. I am kept wondering about how my life would have been if I never knew that I was depressed and bipolar. I am kept wondering about my whole life at the moment, and what could have happened instead if things went my way.

Could I have survived the org application of one of UP’s famous organizations? Could I have been a College or even a University Scholar last semester? Could I have many friends in school? Could I have handled the academic and emotional stress that my freshman year brought to me?

Transferring back to the school that raised me is my plan as of now. I just couldn’t take the emotional stress UP has given me. And I’m just in my freshman year! Of course the plan of transferring brings me pain, but the comments of people have on my decision pain me the most. The people giving comments without knowing my problems are piercing me in the heart without them knowing. It gives me so much pain when people judge without knowing the story of someone, especially if the “victim” has done nothing wrong to anyone. (I may be a hypocrite here, but it’s true.)

And so I lay awake, thinking, teary-eyed. Am I being too protective about myself? Am I not taking risks? Am I wasting an opportunity given to only a small percentage of the Philippine population? Am I being selfish? Am I being selfless? Am I making the right choices?

Sometimes I feel ashamed of transferring back to my old school. It’s not because of the school that I’m transferring to, but because of my “weakness”. People may see me as a weakling, and I accept that. I, too, think and know that I am still weak. That’s why I’m undergoing psychotherapy and taking medications. I just wish everyone knows this.

And so I lay awake, mind torn, heart broken. I’m off to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe she can help me about this.

…or maybe this post is a fruit of my new medication?

LOA – Love: Over and Away

Exactly a week ago, I filed for a leave of absence (LOA). I was tired of going to school, and the semester just started.

I think I’ve had enough with this university. I don’t feel like I am meant to be here. I feel like I don’t belong here. I think I have to move away.

I know that I’m wasting my opportunity to graduate from the top university in the country, but hey, I lived my dream of being an Iskolar ng Bayan, even for just one semester. I can still serve my country even if I graduate from another college. But for now, I have to be happy.

I filed for an LOA for one semester, even if I am already enrolled. I feel like I need more time to rest and to get my shit together. You see, I’m contemplating to transfer schools. I plan to go back to my Alma Mater. I know that my plan sucks, but I think that’s for the best.

Yes, I wasted my parents’ money, but I did not intend to do that. And yes, they understand what I’m going through. Now, I’ll pay them back. Don’t worry, people who think I’m selfish.

I just want to clear my head now.

Sad Life :(

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” – Matthew 4:4

No, this post is not about religion. “Man does not live on bread alone…” I believe in what Jesus said; man cannot live on bread alone… Kailangan may palaman! =))

What I said up there is true! We need to spice up our lives! How? By communicating with our fellow Earthlings! Yes, communication does the trick. But, what if you have no Earthling to talk to? “SAD LIFE” happens, my dear! :((

As of the moment, I am having a sad life. Aside from the fact that dad told me that I have no hope in my phone, I have no one to talk to. Since dad lent me his phone, I can now text my friends! …but no one is replying. So, I’m thinking of returning his phone to him when he gets home. All of my fingers are aching, as of this moment, because of too much “guitaring” and I’m not used to texting with dad’s phone. My thumbs are used to the QWERTY keypad so haaa sad life. Anyway, back to my main point: I have no one to talk to.

I am a quiet person, but that does not mean that I enjoy silence. I hate silence, in fact (wow this is contradictory to my essay in English. Well, that’s a difference silence. anyway). You may see me sitting quietly in a corner, but deep down, I just want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk! I just want to speak to others. I just want them to know what I know, think, and feel. I just want to let it all out. But sometimes, they don’t want to listen. No, I think it’s most of the time. They don’t have the time to listen. They can’t bear to listen because they know that what I’m about to say will not please them. They won’t listen because they oppose my ideas. They don’t even care to know what I think/know/feel because they think I’m wrong. If they do “listen”, they’d sit there and just sit there. It’s as if what I say goes in their right ear then it goes out the left. And if they really listened, they’d argue with me straightaway. Yung tipong ang sarap sabihan ng “For God’s sake, would you shut up and listen for a while?” Because of what I have mentioned above, sometimes I feel that I am deprived of my right to freely express myself. Or, am I just plain weird and sensitive and emotional?

Okay now someone already replied, but why am I not in the mood to talk already? Maybe because I lost my appetite for a conversation. MAYBE because now I’m pissed off those people who didn’t reply. I don’t know.  I think I just want silence now. I just want to cry right now. I just want to lock up in my room. I just want to play sad songs all night long. I just want this day to be over. Maybe I want to be somewhere else. Maybe I want to be someone else right now. I DON’T KNOW! Like what I’ve said in one of my old posts, a teenager seeks attention.

And for some reason, “I Dreamed A Dream” is on repeat… SOTD! “I dreamed that God would be forgiving.” (my favorite line)

Alam mo yung feeling na gusto mo nang kumuha ng cutter at maglaslas? ‘Eto yun e.

 

This post is so weird; so random.