Attention

I grew up fine, but then I started to become an attention seeker.

For some reason, I’ve become an attention seeker. I guess it’s brought up by jealousy. See, I can be a jealous girlfriend to everybody, even to myself. I easily get jealous of my school mates, to be really honest. I may seem like the perfect student in high school, but I was really envious of my classmates who seemed to have better and grander lives.

I would always wish to be a little more fortunate in every aspect of my life. I don’t know if this is brought by my depression, but I would always wish for more Twitter/Instagram followers, more money in my savings account, my own ATM/credit card, more terms in my word bank, more time for TV shows, more tasteful music in my iTunes/Spotify library, more faith, more knowledge of myself, more confidence. I would always want more. I’m never contented.

So now, I feel like I need more attention, and more friends too. I feel like I’m being ignored by the world. It’s like I’m invisible! I hate being invisible.

I guess it’s all a part of my condition. I just hope that I don’t stay like this forever.

Ready, Set, No

Thank you, UP, for giving me two more months to prepare for the deadly college life I’m going to have. Because with all the college stuff that my friend and other ex-schoolmates are going through, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for college, especially that I know I’m in the wrong course. Things are just scary to me. I don’t know what to do or feel. Oh life, you go on whether I’m ready or not.

Overwhelming

On May 8-9, 2014, I payed a visit to my new school, the University of the Philippines, for orientations. After two days of orientations in UP (and up to this day), I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Being constantly called “iskolar ng bayan” makes me want to cringe. The pressure in on, and I don’t know what to feel anymore.

On May 8, I went over to my college (College of Mass Communication) for an orientation about my college and my course (BA Journalism). As the orientation commenced, I felt that my love for writing came back to me (since I want to shift to BS Secondary Education come 2nd year). It was as if all I wanted to do was to write for newspapers again (but ironically, I don’t read newspapers AND I haven’t written even for the school paper back in high school). I really want to investigate on the happenings in the country, and I want to fight for the truth – and that is what pushed me to journalism. As the orientation went on, I felt that I didn’t want to shift anymore. I felt like I am going to be happy with journalism, especially with the fact that the curriculum also impressed me. I also met a new friend (his name is Karlo, and I hope we’re blockmates!) I went home early (because I couldn’t enroll yet), thinking of what might happen if I didn’t shift.

As I got toured around the College of Mass Communication (Maskom) the next day, I got confused EVEN MORE! The college campus was so nice for me (and filled with cats, too) and I felt comfortable while touring. I also liked how they have a new library (YES!). I met a few awesome people along the way, and boy oh boy, the Maskom freshies are FULL OF ENERGY!

As we attended the general Freshman Orientation, I felt that UP is going to take care of me. At the same time, I felt very welcome and very contented with what UP has to offer to me. Some performing arts organizations performed, and I’m very interested in joining the UP Singing Ambassadors. Well, I want to join other orgs too. 😛 I had fun, but at the end of the day, the pressure got into me again.

How can I serve the university as how I want want to serve the people? Am I really fit to study in the state university? Am I ready for college?

I don’t know the answers of these questions, but I’m sure that I can answer them in God’s time.

 

PS: This early, I joined an (ONLINE) protest against tuition increase. I felt good after sending my tweets. Wow, I feel like I am truly an Iska.

The World and Its Worlds

I start the year with trying to know more about God’s word, and here I am, reading articles that, my be considered as sacrilege by hardcore Christians, shared by The Filipino Freethinker. But first, what is The Filipino Freethinker? Well, the site (or organization) sees the world with secular eyes…all science and outside any religion. It sees the world with an open eye…a really open eye. First, I read an article about a pastor “exploring” atheism. Then, I read about Satanists applying to build a statue of a Baphomet in Oklahoma’s state capitol. Read the articles: on Atheism and on Satanism. As I went on searching for “blasphemy”, I found this article on Google by American Thinker about a Catholic woman accused of blasphemy in the Islamic country of Pakistan. After a while, I searched for certain lesbians.

As my day in front of the laptop went by (without any food or drink since waking up), I grew confused with the world. The world, to me, has always had different worlds in it: there’s the Christian world, the music world, the Atheist world, the Satanist world, the Proud LGBT world, the Twitter world, the “I can live without going to church but I’m gonna be saved because I’m a member of a certain religion” world, the suckish Filipino cinema world, etc. There are so many worlds that I know and believe in, but things are getting confusing.

I don’t blame the fact that I skipped my new practice of reading God’s word in the morning for my confusion. It’s more of “I’m quite new to certain ideas, and I don’t know which is good or bad now”. See, the Christian world believes in love and goodness, yet God punishes because He is just and many despise the LGBT members because of whom they love. Those who don’t believe in God can be good, too…but some say that they will go to hell. And for heaven’s sake, religion and science coexist! Even successful scientists are Catholic. And look at St. Thomas of Aquinas. The problem with many is that they take everything literally. Even the Bible is very much figurative. So many ideas in one planet is very confusing, and not many 17 year old don’t know what they really stand for. I’m pretty much open to the existence of every ideology that there is…I just don’t accept some. Still, the world keeps of producing more ideologies every day. It comes to show how great the human mind and spirit are… They are so capable of so many things.

The new practice of reading God’s word has become a chance for me to learn more, but I’m not sure if it will really lead me to where I know I want to be. See, there some things unpleasant in God’s word, too. It was still written by humans.

~

The human never understands everything, that is why so many opposing ideas are born. As long as we’re happy and we’re not hurting anyone, I think we can all coexist.