Attention

I grew up fine, but then I started to become an attention seeker.

For some reason, I’ve become an attention seeker. I guess it’s brought up by jealousy. See, I can be a jealous girlfriend to everybody, even to myself. I easily get jealous of my school mates, to be really honest. I may seem like the perfect student in high school, but I was really envious of my classmates who seemed to have better and grander lives.

I would always wish to be a little more fortunate in every aspect of my life. I don’t know if this is brought by my depression, but I would always wish for more Twitter/Instagram followers, more money in my savings account, my own ATM/credit card, more terms in my word bank, more time for TV shows, more tasteful music in my iTunes/Spotify library, more faith, more knowledge of myself, more confidence. I would always want more. I’m never contented.

So now, I feel like I need more attention, and more friends too. I feel like I’m being ignored by the world. It’s like I’m invisible! I hate being invisible.

I guess it’s all a part of my condition. I just hope that I don’t stay like this forever.

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Who here is a writer?

I believed that I write so well, until last week.

Two Fridays ago, our professor in English 10 left us with the assignment of writing about what we did last summer in 500 words. And so I wrote this simple essay, plainly explaining what I did last summer.

Then last Wednesday, I suddenly had this feeling that what I wrote was a mess. I didn’t get to make my essay a work of art. It just simply answered the question. Well, I had too much to say in 500 words! Still, I felt so bad, especially that the whole world knows that I’m majoring in journalism. What a shame.

Then, this announcement followed: we are to read all of our classmates’ essays. That’s right, the whole class gets to read my crappy essay. I got the link to the files of the essays, and boy oh boy, why am I considering myself a writer?

I would receive my graded high school essays with high marks. I know I can express my thoughts well in writing. But how come I feel so insecure about my writing now? Why now that I’ve finally decided to give my A game? Why???

It seems that my confidence plummeted down to rock bottom. When will I be able to pick myself up again?

Welcome to college

The struggle is real.

I am in the middle of a struggle in understanding my readings for history and geography. I am also in the middle of a struggle in convincing myself to read my readings in history and geography.

I am in the middle of a struggle in meeting new people. I am also in the middle of a struggle of maintaining communication with friends.

I am in the middle of a struggle in living in the College of Mass Communication instead of the College of Home Economics or the College of Education. I am in the middle of a struggle in what to feel about what I’m going through now.

I am in the middle of a struggle as a young adult. I am in the middle of a struggle called frustration.

The struggle is tough. The struggle is real. I guess I haven’t learned. I guess I’m not ready for college.